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Dear Glenn: About that alumni donation…

Dear Glenn: About that alumni donation…

Nov 11, 2011

Dear Glenn,

You know that every email from you always gets a big yellow star in my Gmail inbox right? After all that we went through together, from that 9am class on something or other that you taught, to the turkey leg we shared at Thanksgiving, I knew you wouldn’t forget to write to your homeslice (with parents) from the subcontinent.

I’ve always wondered, how did that  “Inside Job” interview ever land on your Outlook schedule? You didn’t think Ayn Rand was going to show up to interview you, did you?

But damn Hubbard, you released the kraken on that interviewer’s monkey ass,  homie don’t play!

But back to the reason I am writing. In one of those beautiful coincidences, the email you sent me on October 25, in all its mail merge glory, landed right ontop another more menacing message. A message born in the fires of Mordor, bearing the subject “FedLoan Servicing Internet Notice”.


I’ve always been one to hear the bad news first, so I opened the older message:  according to the Federal government, it turns out that I have to pay back those loans I took for business school. Shit.

You know, I really thought that some bureaucrat would lose my loan paperwork, or that there’d be a little hyperinflation to help a player out. Alas, turns out I have a 118-month long series of car payments to make, except that I’ll be riding the train the whole time.

I closed that message, and opened your mail entitled “A Network of Support”. After reading it, I have to say Glenn that I feel terribly remiss. Even after the full-court press alumni donation campaign of last Spring, and the numerous emails from my classmates with polite reminders to pledge, I totally forgot that as a newly minted CBS grad I am expected to butter your bread here and there with the warm knife of USD. And that is why I am writing, sadly Glenn, after much (i.e. very little) heart-wrenching deliberation, I will not be pledging any money to the school for 2011.

In fact, just so you can save some money on stamps and spare the bruising of future CBS students’ egos, here is my donation schedule for the coming years:

Year     Donation Note

2012: Don’t bet on it.

2013: You’d be more likely to see money from the Greeks before me.

2014: Negatory, good buddy.

2015: My donation will be equal to the ending balance of your last Madoff investment portfolio statement

2016: The name of my favorite Japanese WWII fighter plane.

2017: Brrr, it’s really cold, it must be close to absolute…

2018: Do you know that new Coke that comes in the black can?

2019: According to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the number of homosexuals in Iran

2020: The amount of my first Social Security payment

2021? Maybe…

Yes in 2021, its a maybe. Maybe a month after I make the last payment on the first $100,000 I donated to you.

You remember that $100,000 right?  I sure do, it was a lot of money. But what I gained at CBS was well worth it. I had an amazing time, and met amazing people. I’d give you that $100,000 in a heartbeat if given the choice again. But come on, I thought the $100,000 would buy me lifetime membership into the “Network of Support”! You didn’t think I was paying all that money just to sit through “Power & Influence” and “Leadership Development” classes, did you? You know Glenn, if I really needed to learn GAAP accounting, I would have just gone to Bellevue Community College.

But now that I think about it, just where did that first $100,000 go? Looking at Uris Hall, I am going to guess it wasn’t into to the Property Plant & Equipment line-item on the balance sheet.

Glenn, I’m not a hater, but Uris Hall has all the beauty and grace of Eleanor Roosevelt. In fact, the only time I’ve seen other buildings that look like Uris, the map had written on it “former East Berlin”. Come to think of it, didn’t the KGB use a building like this to interrogate spies?

You know, one day when I was walking back from class in Warren, I was pretty sure I saw a Nazgul fly out of the back of Uris.

Oh, but back to the donation timing, I’ve changed my mind. Let’s make a deal: How about I’ll send my first donation cheque the day the new CBS building on the Manhattanville campus opens? (Well, we might not be using cheques then, so I might need to donate via Square.)

I know, I know. It’s not like you can drive a wrecking ball through Harlem, but come on, you are Glenn Hubbard! Chairman of Chairmans. Dean of Deans. You’d think you could pull a few neo-con strings for us, maybe get Glenn Beck to organize a OccupyHarlem march or something?

You know, I heard from a friend of a friend that there might be some oil deep underneath 125th… just sayin…

Ok maybe a new building is a lot to ask, but throw us a bone man! How about some new furniture in the library? The chairs in Watson look like they are holdovers from the Nuremberg trials. Glenn, I don’t know if you do much office chair shopping on your own, but $100,000 buys a lot of Aerons! Shit, if you let me borrow the company van, I’ll go down to IKEA and get Watson hooked up with  Lacks, Galants, and Billys and I’d still bring back enough change for you to buy Mish a clue.

Glenn, these are trying times for all of us, even for those CBS graduates soon to be 1%’ers. Our government is only 2 toe curls past being totally paralyzed, and our economic recovery lies between drops of tzatziki sauce. You know that a guillotine hangs precariously over the futures of many recent CBS graduates right? So let me make a small suggestion, instead of hitting up recently minted alumni up for money to refresh this “Network of Support”, why not let us take a few more free sips from it? A little more support, and a little less shaking of the can would be helpful, it might even allow us to donate whatever money we have left over to you know, the people who might actually need it.




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